Review: Dear Theo

Dear Theo
Dear Theo by Irving Stone

A 300 page letter to a red headed man explaining he will never be normal even if he dyes his hair. Tragedy ensues when he decides to continue living, and rubs it (and his disgusting freckles) in everyone’s face.

View all my reviews

Advertisements

Smoked Awesomeness

So, there was this magical guitar and it was made of wood from the enchanted Woden tree. Whenever anyone played it, birds would sing along, rivers would surge harder, deer would stop to listen and horses would make sweet, violent love while Van Halen soloed along with the enchanted music with killer runs and the sun head-banged.

Also, volcanoes would erupt but that’s a given with guitars of this magnitude.

Toward the end of spring, an elderly wizard who was slightly senile limped towards the local Woden tree to gather the enchanted fruit for his mother’s foot boils and saw the guitar leaning against the tree. ‘Muse!’ he yelled happily, drool  soaking into his bearded chin, and raced towards it. As the wizard approached, the guitar twitched. A creaking sound emanated from its strings. Its headstock separated from the side of the tree as if being pulled by an invisible roadie. A single note resonated and the wizard stopped dead in his tracks. ‘Buh?’ he said.

A deer a kilometre away stopped and cocked its head. Van Halen powered up his amp, a volcano burped and a horse two farms over got a semi. Everyone was expecting a show.
 The wizard took a step closer and the guitar whirled up into the air and hit the wizard on the head, knocking him unconscious, then fell to the ground.
 After a few seconds the guitar caught on fire.

It burned for four days and three nights. Vikings made passing pilgrimage to it. Feasts were roasted over it (‘It tastes like smoked awesomeness!’ people were known to exclaim after eating a haunch cooked above the flaming vigil). Once it stopped burning, the guitar burst into ash. And then, the wizard woke up.
 He stood and surveyed the pile of ash in the shape of a guitar then wailed, ‘I’ll never be rock star!’ and ran home, crying. The horse never managed more than a semi again.

To Do

Image

“I’ve written a list of what I have to do today”

“That’s good.”

“Do you want to hear it?”

“I guess.”

“Number one; become more confident.”

“Oh it’s one of those lists.”

“What do you mean?”

“One of those self-affirmation lists.”

“I guess so.”

“Mmm.”

“Number two; say what I feel.”

“Yep.”

“Number three; ask Jane about the lawyer she used.”

“Oh she needed a lawyer?”

“Yeah she just had some papers drawn up.”

“Oh ok, is she alright?”

“Yeah she’s fine.”

“Good.”

“Number four; try to express my feelings.”

“Wasn’t that number two or something?”

“No, that was to say what I feel.”

“Isn’t that the same thing?”

“Four expands on it.”

“Why isn’t it number three then? You explain how you feel, then you talk to a lawyer. I don’t get it.”

“Maybe the lawyer helps me express my feelings?”

“Huh? Alright, whatever.”

“Five… hey, are you listening to me?”

“Of course I am, how could I not?”

“Well you’re just tapping away at your laptop there.”

“I’m still listening though, go on.”

“I want your full attention.”

“What? Alright, fine. Just let me save what I’m doing.”

“What ever. Alright, Five; work out what I need to pack right away and what I can get later.”

“Pack? What do you mean?”

“Six; call my sister and make sure she can pick me up.”

“Hang on, what?”

“Seven; tell George we’re breaking up.”

“Hey, breaking up? This isn’t fair, you’ve just sort of sprung this on me…”

“Eight, it’s not me it’s you.”

“Oh nice, that’s a good one.”

“Nine; this conversation is over.”

“No, I don’t think so, you can’t just drop all this on me and…”

“Don’t be here tonight. Go to Mike’s or something so I can pack.”

“Oh come on, this isn’t fair.”

“Ten; On second thought I’m catching a taxi to my sister’s. Good bye.”

“Well this is just… Hey, where are you going? Don’t you walk away! Don’t you open that door! Don’t you…slam it.”

“Eleven!”

“What, we’re yelling now?”

“I’m glad I finally got your attention”

(optional)

Image

I’ve decided that I will start up a blog. This will mostly consist of my thoughts, though I cannot guarantee I won’t draw from the collective sub-conscious for my musings. For all I know, all my creativity comes from there anyway.

This blog is going to contain little bits of writing, occasional reviews of things I find interesting like headphones, guitars, pens maybe. You know, stuff. You might even get a bad poem or two. I’ll also be chronicling my journey trying to edit my work that’s been amassing for the past few years.

I might make you laugh (not in this one, my funny seems to be out for lunch), I might make you cry (not likely), I might make you think about the universe in a different way (how could the universe allow such as Panos to exist without all other reality collapsing in on itself?); over all I hope I make you want to keep reading what I’m writing. Maybe even pay for it further down the line. At that point I can call myself a ‘professional writer’ and buy a special hat with “Writer” embroidered on the brim and my mum can finally give me that gold star she’s been saving for when she’s really really proud of me (or when I finally stop crying when I leave her house – just kidding, I earned that one back in preschool. Mum still has the certificate the teacher made up for me).

I’ll try not to be too ego-centric too. Did you know I published a book already? I did!

Image

I mean, I self-published it. You can purchase it on Kindle by clicking that giant picture of the cover above. Or if you’d like a proper paperback copy, grab it from here and save a little money on buying it from Amazon. I mean, I don’t get my $2 or stats that way but I don’t expect to ever make money from it till I’m famous and by then it’ll have been re-published and edited as a new book “from the archives of Panos” and selling full price regardless. I’ll also have a jet-pack and you’ll all be ants so my evolution will be far beyond things like ‘money’, ‘stats’ and ‘begging’.

I don’t really think I’ll ever consider anyone an ant, you’re all full size to me and special in your own way. My book has a robot in it!

I look forward to confusing you all in the future, and thank you for taking this journey with me.